A Collection of Theories
by lotrfan1
Summary: Legolas gets kidnapped and sent to his blackmailee. Chaos insues! Please R/R!
1. The Invitation

Disclaimer: We don't own nothing! We do own a little character named Vebrion. She has a guy's name even though she's a girl. HEHEHE! Oh, and we do own Nilturiel and Firthuliel and Christina. We own Quenya-ish too, it's different from Quenya. Enjoy!

A/N: Everything in * is elvish.

Chapter 1 The Invitation

"I don't think he'll come." Firthuliel whined.

"He'll come. You just have to ask him." Nilturiel assured her. "It just can't be over the internet. He's afraid of it. He said so himself. You just have to write him a letter. In Quenya-ish, his native language of course."

"Okay, you'll have to help me a little bit. Okay. *Mae Govannen* Orlando! What should I say next?"

"I dunno, it's your invitation."

*Please come to our bow shooting contest on Thursday next. Afterwards we will have a weedshooting contest. (A/N: No, it's not ACTUAL weed, it's the little plantain things you find coming up out of the ground. NOT drugs.) Just so you know, we are extremely bad at both so you will be assured that you will win. Here are the directions to my house.* 

"There we go. He's got to come! Orlando Bloom has nothing better to do on Thursdays right? Put it in the mail." Nilturiel said.

(A Week Later)

"Okay, I'm ready to go!" Christina said. She was driving Nilturiel and Orlando over to Firthuliel's house. They all piled in the car. They were almost there when the car suddenly broke down in a remote area. Nothing was around. Or at least that Nilturiel could see.

"Horses!" Orlando cried. "They will carry us to safety!"

"Or to Firthuliel's! Whichever is closer!" Nilturiel exclaimed.

Orlando pulled Nilturiel up behind him leaving Christina standing there with the car. "Firthuliel's house! Is it left or right?"

"Straight ahead." Nilturiel replied.


	2. Capturing the Elf

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 2 Capturing the elf

Earlier that week, Vebrion the elf attended the annual summer feast hosted at the palace in Mirkwood. Thranduil was a very good host and had supplied lots and lots of rum, among other things. 

Vebrion handed Thranduil's son, Legolas another LARGE cup of rum. If she had it her way, she would have given him the whole bottle, but that would cause suspicion. If she wanted her elf she would have to be very subtle. 

"This is _excellent_ rum!" Legolas said, to no one in particular. 

"Riveting," said Vebrion, "Why don't you have another?"

Glorfindel and his new wife Celebríon, formerly Elrond's wife, spotted Legolas. They came over to talk to him since they hadn't seen him since that unfortunate incident with the hobbits. 

"*Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo!*" cried Glorfindel. "Did I tell you that Celebríon and I finally got married?"

"Yes, I finally figured out that Elrond was just way too bossy for me! Then I met Glorfindel. His story about how he helped that poor hobbit, Frodo, across the river to safety was absolutely heartrending. I knew that we were destined to be together. After all, who would really want to spend eternity with Elrond?!?!"

"Do you still have that old photo album of us when we were younger, Legolas?" asked Glorfindel.

"Why yes!" Legolas said, swaggering just a little bit. "I will go get it." With that, Legolas _almost_ gracefully (he only ran into someone once) left the room and Vebrion followed. This was her big chance.

"Ah, here it is," hollered Legolas. He picked up the large album, but it made him lose his balance. He only had time to mutter, "Bloody pirates!" before he fell to the ground unconscious. 

"Finally, HE'S MINE!!!!!!" exclaimed Vebrion, while pulling him down to her secret room, the palace guest house. 


	3. Finding Christina

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 3 Finding Christina

Geoffrey Rush was worried. What had happened to Orlando? He couldn't find the one he stalked everyday. He was on the way to no where in particular when he came across a girl standing by a car in a field. 

"Oi, you there!" Geoffrey called. Christina looked up. "Have you seen an Orlando Bloom anywhere?" he asked.

"Yeah, I was driving him and my sister to their friend's house when my car broke down and they ran away on a horse." She answered.

"Which way did they go?" 

"That way." She said pointing. "Straight ahead. Do you think you could give me a ride…"

She was cut off when the strange man rode away.


	4. Legolas, Legolas, wherefore art thou Leg...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 4 Legolas, Legolas, wherefore art thou Legolas?

Orlando looked around Firthuliel's backyard. It was very large and had several targets lined up at the far end. There were also a few closer targets. These were probably for the weedshooting contest, he thought. 

What is a weedshooting contest? Orlando had no idea. He didn't really want to spend his whole Thursday competing in stupid contests with some silly American teenagers who thought they were elves. He was really here looking for Legolas. But Legolas was nowhere to be seen. This was very distressing. 

Orlando had lately taken up a new hobby… Legolas stalking! It was jolly good fun. Besides, if he captured Legolas, he would stop getting those annoying blackmail notes. It wasn't really good for your career if you had to pay all your money you earned to a blackmailer. (A/N: The blackmail will be fully explained later. THIS IS JUST FORESHADOWING!!!!)

Just then, Firthuliel and Nilturiel came up with a handful of arrows and a couple of bows. Firthuliel was also carrying a suspicious looking bucket with what looked like a bunch of _weeds_ in it. 

"Are you ready to start the competition?" asked Fithuliel excitedly. After all, how many people got to spend an entire afternoon with Orlando Bloom?

"Umm… actually, I was wondering if Legolas was going to show up. I heard that you invited him."

"Yes, but he hasn't shown up. We used the palantir, now that all of them have been recovered, to talk to Thranduil, but he didn't know where he was. Apparently, Legolas disappeared at the summer feast last week. We have all been very worried." Nilturiel explained.

"Well, we can't let that little detail stop us from the contest. Here you go, pick a bow." Fithuliel said.

Though Orlando was very distraught that his stalkee wasn't going to be there, he decided that he should probably just enjoy the afternoon.


	5. Vebrion's Revenge

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 5 Vebrion's revenge

Vebrion returned back to the palace guest house, right underneth Legolas' room. But the poor Legolas didn't know that. Vebrion told him they were in Moria.

"I'm back!" she said cheerily to her capturee. He looked up at her with disgust. She had kept him locked up in 'Moria' for the past week with only lembas to eat. 

"What do you have?" he asked. She pulled out what was in her bag, a pair of scissors, tape, and a very long role of packaging material. "Materials for revenge." She answered.

Legolas gulped. "Revenge? What did I do?"

"You don't remember me do you? I was in your first grade class at Mirkwood Elementery. We were on the playground, I was sitting on the swings. You asked me to get up and I said no. You called me a stupid fat dwarf and pushed me off."

"You want revenge for that? I said I was sorry the next day. Besides we were little kids. What was this 3,000 years ago?"

"Yes it was. I finally hunted you down. I had to first stalk Geoffrey Rush because he is stalking Orlando Bloom. Orlando is stalking you for some strange reason I don't understand. So I stalked him for a while and he led me to you. You see, after my family moved to Anórien, I lost all contact with you. I had to find a way to get my revenge."

"I see. What are you going to do?" Legolas said.

"I am going to send you to the person who you are blackmailing. A person called Orlando Bloom. Would you please hold still while I tape you together?"

"NO!!! I will not give in to the dark side of the force. Never give in, never give up, never, never, never. Never give up, never surrender."

"Do you think you could fit any more quotes into that sentence?" Vebrion asked. "Well, if you hold still, I'll give you this nice big bottle of rum." 

"Oh…okay then."

He held still while she tied him up. She tossed a few lembas crumbs into the bottom of the package. She never gave him the rum. When he was all tied up and packaged, she made air holes and put stamps on him. Then she went to go write a letter…


	6. A 'Rush' of Strange Creatures

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 6 A 'Rush' of strange creatures

Geoffrey Rush was riding his horse straight ahead. He never once turned left or right, but he never made it to his destination. When he was about halfway there, he heard a strange noise. When he stopped to listen more closely, he discovered that it was just the sound of a lot of croaking frogs. 

Geoffrey kept riding and ignored the frogs. The further he went, though, the louder the croaking got. He wondered if he really had made a turn somewhere and was now headed to the Frog House, a division of the Butterfly House. 

Suddenly, a really, _really_ loud frog croaked right by his horse. Rocco panicked, tossed Geoffrey to the ground, and bolted. Hmm…. Not a very dependable horse, he thought. Of course, he had only taken it from that farm he'd passed where that girl had been standing there. Now that he thought about it, why _had_ she been standing there? He was sure that she was up to no good. 

After thinking over things a while, he decided that the only thing he could do was keep trying to get to Orlando. He began walking straight, just as that strange girl had said. But what he didn't know, was that he had actually veered slightly left. This was very bad because the aliens and their evil frog creatures lived to the left. If a person so much as put one foot off the straight path, they disappeared and were never seen again. Well, some were, but no one knows why they didn't vanish. The ones who returned were actually considered quite crazy. They went on and on about how no one should ever learn to draw fish and that everyone should grow their hair really long and never comb it. 

The sounds of the croaking frogs abruptly stopped. Geoffrey looked around, wondering why. A silent army of frogs came out of nowhere and abducted him. Everyone knows that frogs are the alien's pets…except Geoffrey Rush, of course. 


	7. The Building of the Fort

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 7 The building of the fort

"Mail's here!" Firthuliel's nenelith called. Firthuliel, Nilturiel, and Orlando were sitting in Firthuliel's kitchen, taking a break from the competition. Of course, Orlando already won the bow contest, but he wasn't allowed to leave yet.

"Hey Orlando, you have a letter," Firthuliel said. He opened it cautiously. He read the letter aloud.

"Orlando, you will soon be receiving a strange, large package at this address. Open it right away, you don't want him to die. You must make something for him to live in, and possibly a place to hold him prisoner. After all, you were blackmailed for over a year…"

"YOU were blackmailed?" Nilturiel exclaimed and started laughing. "That's very funny."

Orlando rolled his eyes and read on. "I am sending a week's worth of lembas for him, but you obviously know how to make lembas, so that's all I'm sending. Keep him alive, there will be a bounty on your head if you kill royalty. Keep him secret, keep him safe! From, Vebrion, the elf capturing queen!"

"What do you think she's sending?" Firthuliel inquired. 

"I don't know, but I guess I have to build a fort or something." Orlando said. "Do you mind if I build it in your yard?"  
They walked out to the backyard and Firthuliel showed him a good place to build a fort. She has built one there before, but it fell down due to shotty workmanship. Nilturiel would not help with the fort building, being the stubborn elf (A/N: Yes, I am an elf!) that she was. Firthuliel didn't want another of her forts to fall down. So they left Orlando to build the fort all by himself. 

"Wait!" Firthuliel said. "I know someone who can help you build the fort. I'll go call him."

She and Nilturiel ran inside. 10 minutes later they ran out dragging a guy behind them. "Orlando, this is Will Turner. I don't quite know how he got here so fast."

"It's the Black Pearl, the fastest ship in the Spanish Maine." Will said with an adorable accent.

"Ooookay." Nilturiel said. "We'll leave you two alone while you build the fort. We'll wait for the package inside."


	8. The UPS Guy

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 8 The UPS guy

The UPS guy was very curious about the package that he had to deliver. It seemed to be yelling for help. Maybe it was some new electronic game and had strange sound effects. Apparently, someone had to be rescued in the game.

The UPS guy drove very carefully, because he knew the legend about the Curse of the Evil Frogs. Suddenly, he came into a field and his truck broke down. Oh no! he thought. Now how am I going to deliver this odd package? 

The UPS guy saw another car stuck in the field. Maybe that car would work and he could deliver the package. He got out of his large, ugly, old, brown truck and walked over to the car. There was a girl standing there.

The UPS guy said, "Do you know how to get to Firthuliel's house? I have to deliver a package to someone named Orlando Bloom there. That's a very odd name, you know. Is it Quenya-ish?"

The UPS guy listened to Christina's response. "Firthuliel's house is straight ahead. There's a few more horses over there even though at least 3 people stole horses in the last hour! Do you think you could ask my sister, Nilturiel to call a tow truck?"

The UPS guy didn't even hear the last sentence because he was already riding away. It was a bit difficult to ride a horse with the package, but he managed somehow.


	9. Finding a New Hobby

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 9 Finding a new hobby

Vebrion was bored. Now that she had finally gotten revenge on the evil elf, she didn't have anything to do. She had to find a new hobby. She went to the hobby shop. She decided that she couldn't decide on one particular hobby, so she wanted to buy samples of them all. But she didn't have enough money. Poor Vebrion!

She determined that she would have to blackmail people to get the money. But who could she blackmail? As she was stalking everyone to get to Legolas, she saw things that she could blackmail everyone for. She wrote blackmailing notes to everyone. "Hello from your stalker. You are being blackmailed!!! Give me $10,000 and a lembas cracker every month or else I will tell the F.B.I. your little secret. That's right [insert secret here]! Unless you want me to spill the beans, hand over the money. And the lembas, too. Sincerely, the elf capturing queen!" 

There we go, she thought. That's a good note. She would just have to wait for the money. And the crackers. She's especially looking forward to the lembas. 


	10. The Opening of the Pakage

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 9 The Opening of the Package

Orlando and Will got to know one another while building the fort. They discovered a mutual love for horses, and RUM!!!! They decided that they should stock the fort with lots of lembas and even more rum. 

The UPS guy rode up to the fort. "Do either of you know a Mr. Orlando Bloom??? I have a _very_ odd package here for him."

"I'm Orlando," said Orlando.

The UPS guy said, "Sign here please. And could you open the package now? I really want to see what game it is"

"Game?" said Orlando and Will at the same time. Just then, Firthuliel and Nilturiel ran up. 

"We saw some strange guy on a horse ride over here and we thought he just might be the UPS guy since he was carrying a strange package. Are you the UPS guy?" Nilturiel asked.

The UPS guy said, "Why yes! I am the UPS guy! But my truck broke down in the middle of a field, so I chose one of those horses that are conveniently located right next to the field and rode up here as fast as I could."

Orlando asked everyone to come into his newly built fort and see the opening of the package. Everyone held their breath while he tore open the paper. At first, everyone thought it was a dummy of Orlando, since they looked so much alike, but then they noticed that the person was breathing. 

"I know who that is!" shouted Firthuliel and Nilturiel. "It's LEGOLAS!!!!!" They both ran into each other while trying to get to Legolas. They fell to the floor, unconscious. 

The UPS guy, Orlando, and Will looked at each other and rolled their eyes. How come Legolas got all the attention? After all, he was _only_ an elf.


	11. Christina's Boredom

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 10 Christina's boredom

Christina was stuck in the field. She was really, really bored.


	12. AN on Blackmailing and Stalking

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Firthuliel doesn't own anything. Except Vebrion. And Christina. And ourselves, Nilturiel and Firthuliel. And the UPS guy. I wish I owned Legolas. Or Orlando Bloom. Or even Will Turner. Although I would make him take a shower and cut his hair. Well, anyway, onward!

Chapter 11 A/N on blackmailing and stalking

A/N: We haven't really gotten around to explaining about the blackmailing in detail, so here you go. Legolas is blackmailing Orlando because Orlando was selling lembas on the black-market. Geoffrey Rush was stalking Orlando because he is obssessed with him. Orlando was stalking Legolas because of the black-market thing. Vebrion was stalking them all-well you know why. Well, back to the story!


	13. Fish and Dog Butts

Disclaimer: We don't own nothing! Well, we do own Vebrion. And ourselves, Firthuliel and Nilturiel. We also own the UPS guy, Christina, and the evil frogs. And the aliens of course! 

Chapter 13 Fish and Dog Butts

Geoffrey Rush woke up quickly. He had absolutely no idea where he was. The last thing that he remembered was trying to find Orlando Bloom, the bloody pirate! Suddenly, it came back to him. The girl in the field, the horse that he took, and finally, the silent army of frogs. That made him recoil with fear. Where exactly _was_ he.

He looked around the room he was in, but it was empty except for some pictures of something. He wasn't exactly sure what most of them were, but some of them looked like _fish_. Why would someone want thousands of really bad pictures of fish? 

Just then, an alien walked in. It looked like your typical alien, green skin, a weird-shaped head, and whatever else a typical alien looks like. The alien walked over to the corner of the room and set up an easel with some paints. Then it turned to Geoffrey. 

"You must paint pictures of fish," it declared. "Then when you are done, you must paint pictures of dog butts. There are some lembas crackers over there. We got them off the black market," it smiled proudly. "They seem to have been taken off the black market though. Our supplier hasn't contacted us in a long time… Oh well, we still have a few left. So eat them sparingly." With that, the alien left the room.

Geoffrey had many questions running through his head. Why was he here? Where was he? Who or what was that thing that just came in? And why fish and dog butts?? He didn't have answers to any of the questions though, so he just started painting. 


	14. The Quest for the Photo Album

Disclaimer: We don't own nothing! Well, we do own Vebrion. And ourselves, Firthuliel and Nilturiel. We also own the UPS guy, Christina, and the evil frogs. And the aliens of course!

Chapter 14 The Quest for the Photo Album

Glodfindel and Celebrían were lost. They were looking for their photo album.

"We're lost." Celebrían said for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. 

"No we're not. We're temporarily misplaced." Glorfindel answered.

"That's a fancy way of saying you're lost." Celebrían grumbled. They had been walking in circles for hours, getting nowhere. They were looking for the photo album they had asked Legolas for at the feast. When he had gone missing, the two took it upon themselves to find him, thus finding their photo album.

"Wouldn't it just be easier to go into his room and get it?" Celebrían had asked. Glorfindel had assured her that finding the missing prince would be easier and they would be rewarded for finding him.

"Look! There's someone we can ask for directions!" Celebrían exclaimed.

"We're not lost!" Glorfindel shouted.

Celebrían sighed and walked over to the girl sitting on her car. "Hi." The girl said standing up.

"Hi." Celebrían said. "Do you know how to get to Firthuliel's house? We're lost."

"We're not lost!" Glorfindel said. He hadn't moved from his spot.

"Don't listen to him." Celebrían whispered. "He's very stubborn."

"I know what you mean." Christina said. "Firthuliel's is straight ahead. But beware, it's frog country." Christina turned around to point. "Do you think…" she turned back around and the two elves were gone. Christina was puzzled. How did they do that?

45 minutes later

Celebrían stopped in front of the house. Both Glorfindel and Celebrían stopped to catch their breath. Then Glorfindel went to knock on the door. No one answered. He heard voices coming from the back yard. They walked back to the woods. They saw four men in a fort and two teenage girls passed out on the floor.

"Hello, I am looking for Legolas Greenleaf." Glorfindel said.

"Yo! I'm here." Legolas said. It looked like he was drunk.

"Excuse me, your highness, we are looking for our photo album of when we were young elflings." Celebrían said.

"Ah yes." Legolas hicupped. "Excuse me. Yes, that is in my room under my bed. How did you find me? Where am I?"

"You're right here." Orlando said. "But where is here? Why are we here? Why is everyone here on Middle-Earth?"

The UPS guy said, "You're too philosophical when you are drunk." The UPS guy was sober.

"We are not drunk!" Legolas said. "I condemn you to the dungeons. Or better yet, get me another rum. But after you do that, leave!"

Orlando and Will started laughing for no reason. "He said condemn. Hehehe." Will said. "Do you know what that sounds like?"

"Of course it sounds like commend." Orlando said.

"That's not what I meant." Will said. He burped. "What I meant was…" No one heard what he meant because he had fallen asleep.

"Well, do we have permission to go into your room and get the photo album?" Glorfindel asked.

"Of course. Now leave." Legolas said. He hiccuped. "Or would you like a rum?"

"No thank you." Celebrían said. "How are we going to get home?"  
The UPS guy said, "I'll take you home. If you help me fix my truck."

"It's a deal." Glorfindel said.

They walked away from the men in the fort. While they were walking Celebrían explained their situation. What the UPS guy was most interested in was how they knew where he was. Celebrían explained that they had asked their friend, Vebrion, if she knew where he was. They hadn't thought it was strange that they heard frogs in the field they were in.

Suddenly they heard an extremely loud frog beside them. That's when they noticed a silent army of frogs in front of them. They stopped walking and stared. All three of them were abducted. They joined Geoffrey Rush painting strange pictures of fish and dog butts.


	15. Vebrion Finds Something to Do

Chapter 15 Vebrion Finds Something To Do

Vebrion sat in the palace guest house, awaiting the replies from her blackmailing victims. Just then, there was a knock on the door. Who could that be? The palace guest house was supposed to be a _secret_ room. No one was supposed to know it was there. She went to answer the door to see who it was. 

"Hello!" she said angrily. "What do you want?" Vebrion looked at the stranger. It seemed that he was a mailman.

"Umm… I'm here to deliver this letter. It took forever to find this place. So, here's your letter!" The mailman was far too cheerful for Vebrion, so she took the letter and slammed the door in his face. 

The letter was from her good friend Celebrían. "Mae govannen Vebrion! Glorfy and I are setting of in search of our picture album today. Thank you so much for telling us where Legolas is. He's a bloody pirate, you know. I should probably be back at the palace before this reaches you, but since you were out at the hobby shop when I came by earlier to say goodbye, I thought I'd write you a note. Have fun with your blackmailing!!!! Your good friend, Celebrían."

Hmm… Celebrían wasn't back at the palace yet. This was bad. Where could she be? Vebrion resolved to search for her friend. She would stop by Firthuliel's house and collect her blackmailing money and her lembas. After all, both Orlando and Legolas were there, so she wouldn't have to track them both down. Geoffrey Rush seemed to have gone missing, but she was sure she would get her money from him. After all Geoffrey wouldn't want [insert secret here] known. 

When she was getting close to Firthuliel's, she saw a girl sitting on her car. That's odd, she thought. 

"Mae govannen!" Vebrion called.

"Mmm hmm, same to you," said Christina, not bothering to get up. She was starting to get a little annoyed that everyone just left her here. Though she _was_ glad that her sister Nilturiel always spoke in Quenya-ish, because she actually knew what the elf had said. 

"Why are you just standing by that car?" Vebrion inquired. 

"Because it broke down and all the people who have passed through here on the way to Firthuliel's have just left me here!" yelled Christina.

"Hmm…. I see. Well, you didn't happen to see an elf couple pass through here, did you?"

"Yeah, actually I did. The guy kept insisting that they weren't lost, but they definitely were. If they hadn't found this clearing, they would have been taken by the aliens."

"Ah yes, sounds like Glorfy. So they did go to Firthuliel's?"

"Yeah," said Christina. "If you're going that way, could you ask Nilturiel to call our nenelith. Maybe she could come pick me up…"

"Sure. Watch out for the frogs while you're here!" With that, Vebrion grabbed one of the remaining horses and rode off. She had already forgotten the girl's request.


	16. Yo Ho Ho and a Couple Bottles of Rum

Disclaimer: I'm getting tired of writing these. We don't own Lord of the Rings, we don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, we don't own Geoffrey Rush, Celebría or Glorfindel, and sadly we don't own Orlando, Legolas, or Will. We do own Christina, Vebrion, the UPS guy, the evil frogs and of course, the aliens.

Chapter 16 Yo Ho Ho and a Couple Bottles of Rum

Will was the last to wake the next morning. He opened his eyes then shut them quickly. His head hurt from all of the rum last night. He reopened his eyes and saw that the other two were in similar conditions. He groaned and went back to sleep. Two hours later he woke up and felt so much better. Orlando and Legolas came back from feeding the horses.

"It appears," Will started, "That all of the rum is gone."

"That's a calamity," Legolas said.

"We will just have to go get some more. And, it looks like most of the lembas is gone, too." Will added.

"I can make some more lembas without the fear of someone blackmailing me." Orlando said glaring at Legolas. 

"Legolas you can come with me to get more rum. I know who we can get some from." Will said. "Legolas, Firthuliel's nenelith said that we could use their house anytime, so you can use the kitchen to make some more lembas." 

"But what are we going to do about them?" Orlando asked, pointing to the two teenage girls passed out on the ground.

"They'll wake up. Eventually." Legolas said. "Trust me, I have experience with fangirls." 

With that, Orlando went into the house and Legolas and Will took two of the horses and started to ride. "So, where are we going?" Legolas asked. 

"Port Royale." Will answered. That didn't help Legolas put he didn't ask anything else.

10 minutes after they left, Vebrion rode up on her horse. No one answered the front door, so she went around back. She got to the fort and no one was there. Except for two teenage girls passed out on the floor. She grumbled to herself and started to look for clues about Celebrían and Glorfy. She found none. In her frustration, she left her horse and started running away. 5 minutes after she left, Firthuliel sat up. 

"Nilturiel wake up!" she cried. The girl next to her sat up. "Where is everybody?" she asked.

"I don't know. We should go find out. It doesn't look like anyone's home, and we can't drive, so we'll have to take the horses. There's only two left, to our luck, this one must have ran here." What the two didn't know was that one of them was that one of the horses was Vebrion's and Rocco, Geoffrey Rush's horse. After he got thrown off, Rocco ran to Firthuliel's because he sensed other horses.

They both mounted their horses and rode off towards Christina. They didn't hear the frogs until it was too late. They too were thrown off their horses and abducted by the aliens. The horses ran back to Firthuliel's house.

Meanwhile…Will and Legolas had reached Port Royale. Fortunately for them, The Black Pearl was docked. Legolas followed Will onto the boat. "Hello, you must be a new member of our crew. I knew Jack was talking about getting some new people. I am Will Turner and I want to speak to Jack."

"Never. You are a trespasser on this ship and I am taking you down to the prison. You two, you long haired person." The man said. He took both of them and shoved them into the cell. "Captain Jack Sparrow will deal with you in a minute. He isn't very busy." 

The man left. "Good job." Legolas said sarcastically.

"Dina." Will said.

"I didn't know you knew elvish!" Legolas said. 

"Only insults." Will said. 

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" came a voice.

"Shut up Jack. Get me out of here." Will said.

"All you need is the right leverage." Jack said.

"Hey, I got you out of jail, now get me out." Will said. 

"So, why did you come back?" Jack asked after he unlocked the door. 

They started walking on the top deck. "We ran out of rum. We need some more."

"But why the rum?!" Jack cried. 

"Come on Jack, we all know about your secret stash. We're only asking for a couple of bottles." Will said.

"You're becoming more and more like Elizabeth everyday." Jack said. "Fine, take as much as you want. I don't care." Legolas and Orlando took as many bottles as they could carry. They turned to leave and Jack said, "You're not leaving, are you? Elizabeth has been bugging me. She's been asking for you."

"Tell her I love her, but I'm going to need another guy's night out." Will said. They both helped each other mount their horse and they rode off.


	17. The Orange Highliter

Chapter 16 The Orange Highlighter

Geoffrey Rush, Glorfindel, Celebrían, the UPS guy, Firthuliel, and Nilturiel were bored. They had all painted several pictures of fish and dog butts so far. None of them were very good, except the pictures by the UPS guy. He seemed to have a talent for painting fish. 

"Are you _sure_ your name's not Tim?" asked Nilturiel for the hundredth time. "You know, Tim is the only one I know who can draw fish like that, so you must be Tim."

The UPS guy replied, "Ummm…..no."

"This is stupid," said Glorfindel. "I hate painting fish. No one warned _me _that there were aliens by Firthuliel's house."

"We warned everyone!" Firthuliel suddenly yelled. "We told everyone that the aliens would abduct everyone and make them paint pictures of fish and dog butts. But no one believed us! Well you bloody well better believe us now!"

Everyone was slightly shocked by this outburst. Just then, an alien entered the room. It silently looked over the pictures. When it came to the UPS guy's pictures it stopped. 

"Who painted these?" it asked calmly.

The UPS guy said proudly, "I did."

"I see. They are very good. Is your name Tim?" 

The UPS guy replied, "Ummm…..no. What is everyone's obsession with this Tim person?"

"He was the original painter of the fish," the alien pointed to a glass case that no one had noticed before. "There is the original picture. We have been searching many, many years for the painter of that fish. Well, actually only a couple of months, but it sounds better if you say many years."

Everyone looked at the fish picture. It was very odd. It appeared to be a plastic shark on a plate, on a log, on a folded cloth, with a chain sitting by it. The plate was not slanted though, even though it was sitting on the log. 

Firthuliel and Nilturiel both cried, "The FISH PICTURE!!!!!" They hadn't seen this picture in a long time. It used to be displayed at their school, but it disappeared. They hadn't realized that the aliens had taken it.

Firthuliel was very angry with the aliens for taking her favorite picture. "HA! Stupid aliens! Take this!" with that she grabbed a bright orange highlighter off the table and threw it at the alien. "Return that fish picture immediately!" she shrieked.

"Umm… Firthuliel? Maybe you shouldn't throw things at the aliens." Nilturiel said. 

"Uh, right. Sorry."

"Quite alright," the alien sighed. "We get that all the time. Most people don't like being forced to paint fish."

"And dog butts" Celebrían reminded them.

"Yes, and dog butts." 


	18. The House of Lembas

Disclaimer: We don't own nothing! Well, we do own Vebrion. And ourselves, Firthuliel and Nilturiel. We also own the UPS guy, Christina, and the evil frogs. And the aliens of course!

Chapter 17 The House of Lembas

Legolas and Will were on their way back to Firthuliel's house. "He was nice." Legolas commented.

"Yes, quite right." Will said. "He builds highwayed bridges with walls." 

"What?" Legolas asked very confused.

"See, people are lonely when they build walls instead of bridges, they are sad when they build bridges instead of walls, are happy when they build highways instead of roads, and succesful when they build highwayed bridges with walls." Will explained. "It was something I heard often as a child." 

They rode the rest of the way back to the fort in silence. Legolas still was very confused about his bridges statements. When they got to the house, they saw the two extra horses eating lembas from the fort. They decided that since there were now four horses, a stable would have to be built. Will and Legolas went inside to get Orlando to help them.

Legolas opened the door to the kitchen and looked in shock at what he saw. Lembas was everywhere. It covered the counters, the table, and anything that could possibly hold lembas. Orlando was bent over in the oven. He popped up seconds later with yet a new tray of freshly baked lembas. He was really a sight to see. Flour was spotted on his face, he wore a chef's hat, and his apron said, "Kiss the cook." He set the tray down and turned off the oven. "Last batch. Finally, I'm _done_!" he exclaimed.

"Umm…why are there so many?" Legolas asked slowly. He didn't want to go near Orlando because he looked rather crazy at the moment.

"Oh, well, now I can finally take up my business that was rudely interrupted before." Orlando said as he glared at Legolas.

"What do you mean?" Will asked.

"I sell lembas on the black market." Orlando said happily. Legolas found out about it and has been blackmailing me for almost a year now. Now I can finally get back to my best employer. He buys a lot of lembas. So, I decided to be prepared."

"How are you going to send them?" Will asked.

"I wrap them up in leaves and put all of them in a big box. I leave the box in The Frog House overnight. The next morning, the box is gone and money is mailed to me later that week. I don't know who it is. Will you help me wrap them up?" Legolas said.

The three got to work, because the sooner they helped him, the sooner they could build the stable. And the sooner they built the stable, the sooner they could have some RUM!


	19. Elizabeth Loses Her Patience

Chapter 19 Elizabeth Loses Her Patience

Elizabeth paid the man for the use of the little rowboat and gritted her teeth. This was absolutely the _last_ time she would go see the bloody pirate. If he didn't have any information for her this time she would just go off and search for Will on her own. After all, he had come to her rescue when she had been taken by those awful pirates.

The Black Pearl was drifting slowly out beyond the coast. Elizabeth figured that they were going fishing, but she knew that they'd let her aboard. The crew had come to recognize her in the last few days because she had gone to see Captain Jack Sparrow at least twice a day since Will left. 

"Where's Jack?" Elizabeth demanded as soon as she was on board. 

"Here!" He called. Elizabeth walked over to him and glared.

"So! Where's Will?"

"Hey!" he yelled because she had poked him. "Stop poking me! I know where he is, savvy?" Elizabeth stopped poking him, but she didn't stop glaring. "He and some weird looking friend of his with long hair and pointy ears came by yesterday right after you left. They were looking for some more rum. He says he loves you, but he needs another guy's night out."

"What?!" Elizabeth spluttered. "He left me here without telling me where he was going just so he could have a _guy's night out_! Does he have ANY idea how worried I've been! I'm going to find him." She turned to look at Jack, "And you're coming with me. You'll have to send me home tied up in a chest of Aztec gold to stop me!"

"Anyway, you need someone intelligence on this sort of mission. Quest. Thing." Jack replied. "I always knew that Will would end up doing something incredibly _stupid_! At least he's honest though, honestly."

(10 minutes later)

Elizabeth and Jack (who were both walking from Port Royale) suddenly came to a clearing. There was a girl sitting on the top of her car in the middle of it. 

"Ahoy, mate!" hollered Jack.

"Uh… ahoy?" Christina looked confused. Suddenly it hit her. "Hey! Aren't you Captain Jack Sparrow?!" she said excitedly. "You must know Will Turner! And you're Elizabeth!!" Christina had jumped up from her excitement. "I _loved _your movie! By the way, when did you impersonate a cleric?"

"Oh that," Jack looked slightly embarrassed. "Just forget it. Do you happen to know where Will Turner is?"

"No, but there's a bunch of people up at Firthuliel's house. One of them might know."

"Firthuliel's house? Where is that?" asked Elizabeth.

"Straight ahead, but beware of the frogs. Hey, if you're planning on going that way…" Christina watched as they just walked away. "HEY!!" she shouted. "TELL NILTURIEL TO CALL OUR NENELITH!!!" They were already too far away to hear her though. 

Elizabeth and Jack walked on warily. They knew what the frogs could do. The whole woods was silent. Elizabeth jumped when a frog croaked right next to her. Suddenly, a large army of silent frogs came upon them and though they fought valiantly, they too were abducted.


	20. The Naming of the Car and Talk of Palind...

Disclaimer: We don't own anything you recognize.

Chapter 20 The naming of the car and talk of Palindromes

Christina was starting to get depressed. So many people had left her stranded here. She would go with them but all of the horses are gone and she didn't want to get abducted. Also, she didn't want to leave the car. How long had she been here? A day? A week? An hour? No, it had to be more than an hour, she had slept on the car once. She had lost all track of time.

She had started to pass the time by naming everything that she could see. She had named the horses before all of them had been stolen. She had named the house and the car. Good old Herionna. Yes, it was a strange name, but it was elvish for ladybug. Or something close to that. 

An construction worker had come past a little while ago and put up a billboard. There was nothing on it though. She named the billboard Bob. Then she started thinking that Bob was a palindrome. 

She started thinking about different palindromes. There was mom, Hannah, and race car. Then there were the phrases: 'a man a plan a canal panama' and 'able was I ere I saw elba'.

Christina sighed. She was really bored. She went over to look at Bob the billboard. There was nothing on it. Surely someone would come put something on it. Until then she would just have to wait.


	21. The Orange Frog

Chapter 21 The Orange Frog

Vebrion picked the lock to the Frog House. She felt that an accomplished elf had to know how to pick locks. It was one of her most useful skills. She was still looking for clues for Glorfindel and Celebrían's whereabouts. The Frog House seemed like the most likely place to look for clues. 

Vebrion carefully searched throughout the popular tourist attraction. She didn't find anything until she came to the little storage room in the back. Here, she found a little glass cage with a bright orange frog in it.

"Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo!" it croaked. Vebrion jumped. That frog had just spoken Quenya-ish! "Lle quena i'lambe tel' Eldalie?"

"Of course I speak Elvish, you idiot! I'm an elf! Auta minqula orqu!!" Vebrion was very angry. It was a terrible insult that the frog hadn't even realized that she was an elf.

"Sorry! You don't have to get so perturbed. I only wanted to know if you knew Elvish."

"Oh, well okay then." Vebrion was still slightly upset, but not as much as before. "I'm Vebrion. Who are you?"

"I am the Frog-Who-Cannot-Be-Named," it replied proudly.

"Ah, I've heard of you. You're the only frog in all of Middle-Earth that hasn't gone over to the aliens, right?"

"Yep! That's me!"

"Well, maybe you could help me. After thinking the matter over, I have come to the conclusion that my good friend Celebrían and her husband Glorfindel have been taken by the aliens. They were traveling through alien infested land and disappeared on their journey. All signs point to those stupid aliens."

"I shall be glad to join you on your quest!"

With that, Vebrion and her new companion, the Frog-Who-Cannot-Be-Named set off to find Celebrían and Glorfindel.


	22. The Return of CATSPARROW and the Sad Elf

Disclaimer: We own CAT-SPARROW, the sad elf, Christina, Herionna (the car), the billboard, Firthuliel, Nilturiel, Vebrion, and the UPS guy. Not UPS. Not Pirates. Not Monty Python. Not lotr. We do own the evil frogs, the aliens and Frog-Who-Cannot-Be-Named.

Chapter 22 The Return of CAT-SPARROW and the Sad Elf

"Where are we going?" the sad elf asked. He got no answer from CAT-SPARROW, even though the cat could talk. "I wish I had my trampoline." He thought to himself. Tears started to well up in his eyes as he remembered all of the good times he had with the trampoline. 

CAT-SPARROW rolled his cat eyes. "What are you crying about now?"

"I miss my trampoline!" he wailed. Minutes later he had stopped crying. They came across a car in the field they were in.

"Hello, old woman!" CAT-SPARROW said.

Christina turned around. "I'm 17."

"What?"

"I'm 17, I'm not old." Christina replied.

"Sorry, well I couldn't just call you woman."

"You could have said Christina."

"I didn't know you were called Christina."

"Well you didn't bother to find out now did you?" Christina huffed.

"Look, I said sorry about the old woman."

"What do you want?" Christina said grouchily.

The elf had been searching through his bag for his best brush and discovered he had left it at home. He started crying again. 'What is it _this_ time?" CAT-SPARROW demanded.

"I left my best brush at home. Now I can't fix my hair," he said between sobs.

CAT-SPARROW turned back to Christina. We are trying to get to Firthuliel's house because one of her friends has stolen his horse." CAT-SPARROW said and pointed to the elf who had just stopped crying.

"It's straight ahead. Don't wander from the path or else the frogs will get you…" She stopped talking because she knew that they were already too far ahead to listen.


	23. In Which They Recieve Blackmail Notes

Disclaimer: We don't own anything that you recognize!!!!!

Chapter 23 In Which They Receive the Blackmail Notes

"There," said Will, "all finished." Orlando, Legolas, and Will had just

completed building the stable. The four horses would now be sheltered.

"Haha! This place is becoming more and more like a farm. They already had

chickens, and now there's horses too!" Orlando said, laughing.

"Dina! Let's go get that rum!" Legolas exclaimed. They went into the fort

and Will showed Orlando how much rum they were able to take from Captain

Jack's stash. There were five full bottles of it and one that was half

empty.

"Why'd you guys take a half empty bottle?" Orlando inquired.

"Well, it wasn't half empty when we took it. We had to have something to

drink on the way back here." Legolas explained.

"Ah, I see."

"I propose a toast!" Orlando said, "To black market lembas!" They each

chose a bottle of rum and took a drink. Just then, Firthuliel's nenelith

walked into the fort.

"Umm…excuse me." She said. She seemed to have walked into some drinking

party. "I have a two letters here. One for you Orlando," she handed him his

letter, "and one for you Legolas. Oh, and where are Firthuliel and

Nilturiel? I haven't seen them around lately."

"We're not sure, but we'll tell you if we see them."

"Alright then. If I don't find them soon would you mind going to look for

them?"

"Sure, but they're probably around here somewhere," said Legolas.

"I hope so," Firthuliel's nenelith muttered as she walked out of the fort.

Orlando and Legolas opened their letters. They happened to be the blackmail

letters that Vebrion had sent earlier.

"Not another one!" cried Orlando. "That's just what I need. When I start up

my black market lembas business again I get blackmailed again! What is

this? A plot against me!? Did you tell this Vebrion elf-person to blackmail

me Legolas?"

"No! I'm being blackmailed by her too. I thought she was done with her

revenge when she sent me here. Not that it's that bad being here and

drinking rum…."

"Well, it seems to me that there's only one thing you can do. That is

unless you actually want to pay this Vebrion person." Will said. "You have

to go find her. I'll go with you! It'll be an adventure!"

Legolas and Orlando both laughed at this. "An adventure!? That's what

Thranduil said when he told me to go to the Council of Elrond," Legolas

said. He and Orlando laughed harder.

"I think you guys have had enough rum," Will stated. "Let's go find

Vebrion. We can look for Firthuliel and Nilturiel while we're at it."


	24. Jack Misses His Rum and His Hat

Disclaimer: Must I do this? I don't own anything you recognize.

Chapter 24 Jack Misses His Rum And His Hat

All of the alien captives were bored. They had painted their required amount of paintings today and were lying around. Well, except the UPS guy. He was still painting since he liked to. Glorfy and Celebrían were discussing something in the corner, Elizabeth was lying on her back singing the pirate song. Firthuliel and Nilturiel were rolling the orange highliter back and forth and singing some sort of song in rounds. Geoffrey Rush was asleep. And Jack was pacing. He was getting fed up with both of the songs. If he heard one of the girls singing "Hey ho to the bottle I go" one more time, he thought he might go crazy. It just reminded him that the aliens did not supply them with any rum. 

There they go again with that song. "Would you stop singing that please?" Jack moaned. "It reminds me I don't have any rum."

Elizabeth stopped singing. "It's your own fault for getting us abducted. Do you think I like being away from Will?"

"How is it my fault?"

"You got us lost!" she shrieked.

Geoffrey Rush woke up. "Could you be a little quiter please? Some of us are trying to sleep." He rolled back over and started snoring again.

The UPS guy cut in, "At least we have some food to eat now. I'm glad someone sent us lembas."

Everyone went back to his normal activities. Only Firthuliel and Nilturiel started singing with Elizabeth. She was surprised they knew the whole song. Jack shook his head. At least he still had his hat. He reached up to take it off.

"WHERE DID MY HAT GO?" he shouted. Everyone froze and watched him run around the room looking for his hat. "I know one of you took it. Who was it? Speak up!" No one said anything which made him even more frantic. He started running around the perimeter of the room saying, "I have to find me hat!" over and over. He didn't notice the three new people in the room.

"Where are we?" Orlando asked.

"I don't know…" Will said and started to survey the room.

"WILL!" someone screached. He turned around to see Elizabeth running to him. He caught her in a running embrace.

"Dude, get a room." Orlando said and averted his eyes. In his eye aversion, he saw Firthuliel and Nilturiel passing the highliter back and forth. He nudged Legolas to come with him, and they sat down next to the two girls. They soon were playing the game.

Geoffrey Rush had gone back to sleep. Glorfy and Celebrían had not seen anything since they were still in the far corner, plotting. Jack had spotted Will who had sat down with Elizabeth. "Will, good to see you mate! Have you seen me hat? Do you have any rum?"

"Sorry Jack." He replied.

"I have to have me hat, savvy?" he said and returned to running around the room. 15 minutes later an alien walks in the room.

"Time for dinner." The alien says. He pulls out the box Orlando had left for his mysterious customer. 

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "I made those!"

The alien gave him a strange look. "I see we have new captives. You will draw pictures of fish and dog butts. Your friends will explain. Except you lembas maker. You will come with me."   
He left with the alien. The captives all ate some lembas then went back to being bored. Orlando came back 15 minutes later and sat down next to Legolas and the girls. "I don't have to draw pictures. I am now the cook."

"At least we won't have to pay Vebrion now."


	25. The Alien Awareness Assembly

Disclaimer: We still don't own anything so go away!

Chapter 25 The Alien Awareness Assembly

Christina was just beginning to doze off when she heard voices. Immediately she sat up and looked around. Two people walked into the field. Christina was really surprised. It was her sister and her friend.

"Anne! Amanda! What are you guys doing here?" she asked.

"Oh, we're just putting up signs to warn people about the aliens. What are _you_ doing here?" Anne replied.

"Umm… the car broke down and I couldn't just leave poor Herionna!"

"Herionna?" Amanda inquired, "Is that elvish? Have you been talking to Nilturiel and Firthuliel again?" 

"I was driving Nilturiel to Firthuliel's house when the car broke down." 

"Oh, well that explains it."

"Do you think you could help us put up this sign on the billboard over there?" asked Anne.

"Oh yes, of course. At least it'll give me something to do. By the way, it's name is Bob."

"What's name is Bob?"

"The billboard."

"I see." Anne and Amanda both looked at each other and rolled their eyes. 

They all got to work and they finished in less than an hour. The sign said, "**BEWARE! Alien country ahead. Do NOT stray from the path. Do NOT talk to strange frogs. Or else you will be abducted. This sign has been commissioned by the Alien Awareness Assembly.**"

"What's the Alien Awareness Assembly?" Christina asked.

"Oh, it's a group of people that know about the aliens. We're trying to get more people to be aware of what a danger the aliens are," Amanda said happily. "We're really proud of the organization. In the beginning it was just me and Anne. Now it's grown to include over 10 people!" 

"Yeah, it's really grown a whole lot," Christina said, trying to smother her laughter. 

"Well, we have to go. We'd offer you a ride, but neither of us can drive and we don't have a car…" Anne said. 

"Could you at least tell someone that I'm stuck here!" yelled Christina, but they were already gone. 


End file.
